


Heads Up for the Wrecking Ball

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: The Heart of the Matter [9]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Drama, F/M, Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-15
Updated: 2013-03-15
Packaged: 2017-12-05 08:24:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/720934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You don’t have to beat around the bush or try to make it pretty.  You just need to tell me the truth.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heads Up for the Wrecking Ball

“Oh God, why did you let me watch that?” Erin laughed as she wiped her eyes. “It was as awful and beautiful as it always is.”

“Let you watch it?” Jack laughed too. He pulled her closer, gently wiping her face with a tissue. When her face was clean he kissed her. “You were the one who said you hadn't seen it in the longest time. I recall telling you that it always makes you cry. You figured that you'd be fine on the fortieth viewing or so.”

“Are you saying I told you so?” Erin cut her eyes at him.

“No, my love.” Jack shook his head kissing her again. “I wouldn’t say something like that.”

“Yeah right.” Erin laughed again, playfully hitting his chest. “Are you hungry? Suddenly I'm starving. I guess there's nothing to do after a healthy cry but eat.” She stood from the couch.

“Actually Erin, I need to talk to you.”

“Come with me into the kitchen.” She called him with her finger. “Did you send the last check to the caterer? I kept meaning to ask you but I've been so busy. I talked to the florist on Thursday. 

“There might be a problem with the roses. By the end of summer there aren’t significant natural blooms and the price is going to skyrocket by late fall. She doesn’t even want to lock in a number right now. Its not that I'm trying to be cheap, it is our wedding. But I already wanted a hybrid…” Erin sighed. 

“Would it be cheesy to go with silk flowers? I'm not talking about for everything, just my bouquet. We’re going to be surrounded by flowers anyway. I really want lavender roses and I know a designer who might be able to make me something special and beautiful. I want it to be perfect and I know nothing is perfect but I want it to be perfect.”

“Mom!” MK shouted from the living room. “I'm leaving!”

“You're not leaving before letting me know what's going on.”

“Mom…” 15 year old Mary Katherine Strauss dragged the word out as she walked into the kitchen.

“MK…” Erin did the same, trying not to smile. Her daughter was easily offended. “Tell me your plans.”

“Anna’s mom is dropping us at the Chevy Chase Mall. We’re just going to hang out, get some food, hit the arcade, and stuff. I should be home by 7:30.”

“Please text me when you get to the mall and when you're on your way home.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes, I am serious. Thirty seconds of your time will give your mother hours of peace of mind.”

“Yeah, OK.” MK turned around. “Do you want to memorize what I'm wearing just in case? Do you need to know my height and weight?”

There was joking in her tone but MK also seemed frustrated. She was always frustrated. The Strauss children were the offspring of overachievers but they really were a mixed bag personality-wise. Nora was hard-working, serious-minded, and kind-hearted. Ted was a typical youngest child. 

He was fun, easy-going, and carefree. So many things came easy to him, including making friends, sports, and his schoolwork. MK was as smart and driven as her siblings. She just seemed to have a disdain for everything that Erin couldn’t understand. In her work, she surely had some dragon lady tendencies. 

In her normal life, Erin could be fun, funny, and full of vibrant life. So many times she tried to reach out to her daughter but there was a disconnect. Her mother told her that MK had Jan Brady Syndrome. She felt that she would never be as good as Nora and could never be the coveted son like Ted. She always seemed to be looking for her place. 

Erin decided to remain loving but firm. She didn’t put up with MK’s crap and sometimes it came by the ton. She would never allow her children to be disrespectful to her, their father, or anyone else. It wasn’t how Erin was raised and not how she raised them. 

“You're 5 feet 5 inches tall, approximately 125 pounds, with a very big mouth.” Erin replied smiling.

“Oh haha, Mom.”

“Have fun this afternoon. I’ll see you later.”

“Bye Mom; bye Jack.”

“See ya, MK.”

She left the kitchen and Erin heard the front door close. She looked at her fiancée, tried to put on a smile. He didn’t have any children but was about to be the stepfather of three. They were 18, 15, and 13; ages that made things difficult to predict. Jack usually did alright. He preferred arms length at the moment. That luxury wouldn’t always be afforded to him.

“She's going to give me even more gray hairs.” Erin said.

“No doubt. You’ll still be beautiful.”

“I'm sorry; you wanted to talk to me about something. I got way off the subject.” Erin walked over to the freezer. “Are turkey burgers alright?”

“They're fine.” Jack replied. “I got a job offer, Erin.”

“Really? That’s great news. I know you’ve been disappointed with the way things are going at the State Department. I hope you didn’t have to take a downgrade to leave there. Is it with Justice? 

“What about the DoD? Did you get a private offer? The government needs you but they aren’t offering what some of these private companies are. The last offer I got from a headhunter group was triple my current salary. It made me stop and think about it for a moment.”

“The job is with the U.N.”

“The United Nations?” Erin asked.

“Yes.” Jack nodded.

“The U.N. doesn’t have a DC office.”

“No they don’t.” he shook his head.

“What are you telling me?” Erin’s hands were trembling. She held onto the counter so it wouldn’t show. “Are you telling me that you got a job offer in New York and you want to take it? We’re getting married in four months, Jack. You want to move to New York when we’re getting married. I can't move to New York.”

“The job isn’t in New York.”

“Where is the job?” her stomach dropped when she asked.

“The job is in Geneva.”

“Switzerland! You want to move to Switzerland! I can't uproot my family and just move to another continent. I know how much you probably want this but I don’t know how we would make that work.”

“This is the opportunity of a lifetime for me. I can do really good things with this position. They want me as Assistant Director for the United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS. I can help in funding a cure. I want to be a part of that.”

“What about me?” Erin put her hand on her chest. “What about us, Jack? What about our wedding and the rest of our lives together? Are you just going to throw that all away for a job opportunity?

“I don’t want to, but…”

“But?” her tone was incredulous. “But what, Jack? What the hell is going on?”

“I understand that you can't move…it’s not even feasible at the moment. All you need is right here; your job, your kids, and your life. It’s not the same for me.”

“So your life isn’t here? What have we been doing for the past three years if we weren't living our lives?” Erin asked.

“I didn't quite mean it that way.” Jack put his hand over his face.

“OK, then tell me how you meant it.” she took a few deep breaths. “I'm going to try to calm down. I'm going to listen to you, Jack. I'm not going to be crazy about it. Obviously something is missing. I want to know what it is because I love you. You don’t have to beat around the bush or try to make it pretty. You just need to tell me the truth. That’s all you’ve ever needed to do.”

“I want this job. I hate that it’s in Geneva but I can't change that. I also want to marry you and live happily ever after. Something deep in my gut tells me that’s not going to happen. I've been ignoring it for a few months but I can't do that anymore. Maybe if I just get on a plane and fly away…”

“You think your problems will disappear when you cross the International Date Line?” Erin asked.

“I don't know.” He shrugged. “I know that I won't stop loving you just because I'm not here.”

“If you love me then you'd never walk away from me like this Jack. How could you even contemplate it?”

“I've asked myself that twenty times a day since I got the offer, Erin. It’s a sign.” Jack got up from his stool. He walked around the counter, tried to touch her. Erin was having none of it. “Sometimes they land like punches in the gut.”

“If you wanted a punch in the gut all you had to do was ask for one.”

“I'm sorry. It sounds so small but it’s the God’s truth. I want you to know how much I'm hurting too. Trying to make this decision has been nothing short of torturous. No matter what you think of me now, or later, it was all real. It's still real, Erin. I love you…I love you madly. That doesn’t mean we won't hurt each other.”

“Of course we will!” Erin exclaimed. “That’s what grownups do sometimes. They hurt each other and they fight and sometimes they even give it. But when it’s real then you keep fighting for it. You fight tooth and nail and you come back from the brink. Don’t tell me it’s real and walk out on me. That’s bullshit.”

“Contessa…” he reached for her.

“Don’t touch me! Get the hell out of my house!”

“I never wanted to hurt you.” Jack said. He sounded sad and defeated. “I can't have both. I can't take this job and marry you. The whole situation is heartbreaking. You're not the only one who’s hurting. Please understand that.”

“I don’t understand any of this.” Erin shook her head.

“I wish I could explain it better. You deserve the full explanation but I don’t even know if I can articulate it. If I don’t follow my gut, what do I have?”

“And your gut is telling you to leave me?” she asked.

“Nothing is ever that simple.” Jack replied.

“Fine, then I guess we just won't get married. You need to call everyone we sent an invitation to and explain why. You can call the Botanical Garden, the florist, the caterer, and the fucking harpist Jack. You call every single one of them and tell them that you had to follow your goddamn gut. Now get out of my house.”

Jack slipped his hands in his khaki pockets and walked away. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy…breaking up never really was. He knew it was going to hurt her and that really hurt him. He expected Erin to lash out and was prepared for the assault. But Jack’s heart hurt too. 

His heart, head, and stomach hurt. There had been plenty of women in his life; it was a well known fact. He could even say he loved a few of them. Erin Strauss was different. He was in love with her. 

He was smitten. Jack went to bed at night and woke in the morning thinking about her. The way she laughed gave him butterflies. When Erin wrapped her arms around him, he was home. Jack wasn’t a dumb man. He knew once in a lifetime, maybe twice, you could meet someone like that. 

At 53 his chances were getting slimmer. But there were too many red flags lately. It seemed unfair to place it all at the feet of David Rossi. Something did change when he returned to the FBI. Erin tried, she worked hard, but suddenly everything started to feel like a chore instead of a joy. 

There was clearly a third person in the room and Jack wasn’t sure if he could compete. Damned if he wanted to step aside and just let some other man take what he loved. But Erin was slipping through his fingers. It was getting tougher by the day to hold on with dignity. The job in Geneva would spare them both the inevitable crash and burn. That didn’t make it any easier but it was true.

***

The ringing was insane. Who was laying on his doorbell like that? They must be out of their mind. The dog was also barking like crazy. Dave calmed him before walking to the front door. Mudgie followed behind. 

He was ready to pounce just in case the person was as insane as the ringing. Dave opened the door, managing not to gasp. Erin Strauss was standing on his porch. She was soaked through from the thunderstorms that arrived earlier in the evening. Dave quickly opened the screen door to let her in.

“Erin, what's going on? You're soaked.”

“I know.”

Mudgie eyed her as she stepped in and started to drip all over the foyer. When Dave put his hand on her shoulder, she shook him off. He was feeling an intense vibe from her. Now he wasn’t sure if the trembling was from the chill in the air or anger. He’d seen Erin blow her stack a couple of times. There was plenty of damage after that kind of explosion.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“I stood out there for I don't know how long trying to figure out what I was going to say.” Erin’s voice sounded far away, as if her ears were filled with water. They might be now. “I was so pissed off. Then I was sad. 

“Then I just wanted some answers. What the hell kind of answers could you give me? I don't know which way is up right now. I should be with my kids enjoying a movie night. I shouldn’t even be here.”

“Maybe I can make you a cup of tea so you can collect your thoughts.” He once again tried to touch her shoulder.

“Please don’t touch me.”

“I'm not trying to be difficult but you came here for a reason. I mean I guess that you did.” Dave shrugged. “Actually, I'm a bit confused by everything that’s happening right now.”

“Everything?” she turned to look at him.

“Pretty much.” he nodded.

“Did you know?”

“Did I know what?”

“It’s a simple yes or no question, David.”

“You’ve never asked me a simple yes or no question. Well you did once, and I answered yes. I can't do that now though. I don’t know what you're talking about.”

“I’ll take you up on that drink offer. I’d prefer wine to tea.”

“Tea would be better.”

“You don’t know me like you think you do.” she said.

“That’s one of the million and five reasons you intrigue me. There are some tee shirts and shorts in the powder room. You should get out of those wet clothes before you get pneumonia. I don’t want to be blamed for something like that. I can put your clothes in the dryer.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

“Do unto others as you'd have done unto you.” Dave replied. “And I've always been kinda crazy about you.”

Erin nodded and started toward the powder room. It had been a long time but she was sure it was still in the same place. When she and Dave parted ways, Mudgie looked a bit confused about where to go. Then he started following Erin.

“The dog is following me.” she stopped walking.

“He's a nurturer; can smell that you're upset. Mudgie always wants to fix things. You don’t have to be afraid of him. He’s just going to watch over you. Don’t make any sudden movements though, he likes to pounce.”

“You're not making him sound like someone I want to be friends with.”

“Mudge is good people. I promise.”

The Chesapeake Bay retriever barked as if he was agreeing. Erin walked down the hall. Dave looked after her for a while. He had no idea what was going on and she didn’t seem ready to tell him. But things were not OK when someone stood outside your house in the pouring rain. The real question was why Erin came to Dave and not her fiancée.

000

“Geneva? Geneva?”

“Yes, please don’t say it again.”

“I'm sorry but I'm confused.” Dave said.

“If you think you're confused take a moment and contemplate how I feel.”

She rubbed her red nose. Dave could see that Erin was still trembling. She was wrapped in a blanket and dressed in his clothes. They looked good on her but he couldn’t concentrate on that now. She’d just told him that her fiancée was moving to Switzerland.

“I had dinner with Jack last Sunday. He didn’t say anything about a job offer or a move.”

“Maybe he was afraid you'd tell me.” Erin said.

“We don’t talk like that…you and I, I mean.”

“We’re talking right now.”

Erin put her teacup on the table and reached for the cigarette case that had been in her pocket. Dave took the lighter before she could. He wasn’t a fan of smoking and she knew that. He always had room for a good cigar but cigarettes weren't his thing. It had been a sticking point when they were together though Erin never had any intention on letting him ruin her three a day habit. She’d already had five today. There was nothing wrong with an even six.

“Did he tell you why?” Dave asked.

“He doesn’t want to get married.” She replied.

“I'm sure he didn’t say that.”

“The man wants to move 4000 miles away to avoid me. That’s all the answer that I need.”

“Jack loves you. I've seen it with my own eyes. I watched you two…I profiled him.”

“You profiled him?” Erin looked at him.

“Maybe.”

“You just admitted it David.”

“OK, yes, I profiled him. It wasn’t easy considering most politicians profile like sociopaths. But he loves you. It was real; it was real as Jack could get.”

“Maybe that just wasn’t real enough.”

They didn’t talk for a while. Erin just smoked her cigarette, which helped remind her to inhale and exhale. She hadn't lost it yet. She felt the breakdown coming but so far, so good. It wouldn’t be good to do it in front of Dave. 

She still had no idea why she came there tonight. It could be because he rarely passed judgment on her. Everyone was guilty of it sometimes but Dave wasn’t that kind of man. At least he wasn’t with her. 

Erin wouldn’t have to over-explain or make sense of it. All she had to do was talk and he would listen. And when she was finished talking, she would go home. She would go home as soon as her clothes came out of his dryer.

“You didn’t set the temperature too high on my clothes, did you?”

“They're fine Erin. Do you want some more tea?”

“I want to curl up in a ball and cry. If you ever tell anyone I said that, I will kill you.” She stamped out her cigarette in the ashtray.

“You can add it to the list of reasons you'll kill me.” Dave said. “I understand.”

“You don’t…”

“What? You think I've never had my heart broken by someone I love before? That’s naïve. We’ve all been hurt. We’ve hurt the people we love and they’ve hurt us. That doesn’t always mean that you stop loving them.”

“Everything was fine until you came back.” Erin mumbled.

“I'm not going to take the blame for this. That’s not fair.”

“None of this is fair.” Erin suddenly jumped up, throwing the blanket off. “I need to go. Get my clothes David; I need to go.”

“They're not dry yet.” Dave stood too.

“I don’t give a damn. Get them now.”

“Erin…”

“Now! I need to go.”

“Erin…” he wrapped his arms around her. 

Dave was surprised she didn’t knee him in the balls. She probably didn’t have any strength left. He just took her over to the couch and held her. She didn’t cry…didn’t make a sound. She just held onto him and burrowed herself in his arms. Dave held on for dear life. If Erin wanted to let go, needed to, he was going to hold on.

***

It had been eight long days. How many different stages of grief Erin went through in that time, she had no idea. There was crying, raging, numbness, resignation, defiance, more crying, some drinking, and of course work. There was always work, and Erin threw herself into it with more fervor than ever before. 

Nora was home now on summer break so she was also trying to spend time with her children. She had to tell them that she was single again. They had questions that she didn’t have answers to. She had questions that she didn’t have answers to. No amount of explanation in the world was going to make it right. 

“Hi.”

Erin stood when she heard the voice and she turned to look at him. They were meeting in a DC park. To all felt so clandestine; a scene straight out a Clancy novel. Neutral territory was better for everyone involved. 

Jack looked tired, like he’d spent a couple of nights wide awake pacing the floor. She knew the feeling. The falling drizzle wasn’t going to help their moods. As hard as she tried, Erin couldn’t drum up any sympathy for him. That was probably because she was still rather numb.

“Hello.”

“I thought of calling you a million times this week.” He said.

“I'm glad you didn’t.”

“Erin…”

“I didn’t come here to talk. I just came to bring you this.” She handed him the engagement ring. It was quite beautiful; Erin remembered her reaction when she first saw it. It was a one-carat diamond surrounded by smaller sapphires on a platinum band.

“This is yours.”

“Don’t.” Erin shook her head. “I don’t want it. I also don’t want to argue with you. It’s over and I don’t think there's anything left to talk about.”

“You have to know that I still love you.” Jack said. “I feel your pain but have no idea how to ease it.”

“That just makes it even more confusing and hurtful. I have to go now.”

“I wish I could’ve been stronger.” he reached out for her hands, surprised when she let him take hold. It would be unbearable to let go.

“You're not a horrible person, Jack. Maybe you're better for ending this when you did. I don't know; I don’t want to think about it right now.”

“One day I hope we can have some kind of…when I come into town on business…”

“Sure.” Erin nodded knowing that she never wanted to see him again. Would it hurt as much in a year, three years, or even five? She had no idea. Erin slipped her hands out of his. “Good luck with the new job. When do you leave for Geneva?”

“My flight is on Saturday. I’ll have one week there to settle before jumping right in. This is the right choice for me. I agonized over it for a long time.”

“I just wish you could’ve been more honest with me when it counted.”

“I spent so much time in denial. And then I would tell myself it was just nerves and everything would be fine. I knew I loved you…we could make it work. Then I just woke up one morning and knew that we couldn’t. Hurting you is my biggest regret.”

“At least you won't have to look at me everyday.” Erin said.

“I’ll be thinking about you.” Jack said.

“I’ll be doing my best not to think about you for a long time.”

“It doesn’t work.” he shook his head. “You should know from experience.”

“It’s over now, you have your ring back, and you're leaving on a jet plane. Tell me the truth Jack. Was this about David?”

“I don’t know. He may have been the catalyst. I just don’t know. It was probably about a million things. But they're my things…you didn’t do this. I did this and I take full responsibility for it.”

Erin told him that he didn’t have to do that. The last thing either of them needed was for him to play the martyr role. It seemed like getting off too easy. They were in the relationship together and, like it or not, they were in the breakup together too. This was their thing, not his or hers. 

That was one of the things that made it so easy to fall in love with Jack. He shared the good side of himself and everything else too. At least that’s what Erin thought he did. He made her want to do the same. It wasn’t easy; it took time. Now she knew why she rarely did it.

“I'm going to miss you so much.” she said.

“Me too.” Jack held out his hand. 

Erin shook her head and Jack understood. This was one of the hardest things he’d ever done but he knew he had to. The truth hurt sometimes. It hurt so much that it felt as if the gaping wound would never go away. 

But somewhere down deep Jack also knew it was right. Maybe it was all a copout; maybe he just wasn’t the stay and fight type. There were surely things he didn’t want to admit about himself to himself. He put the ring in his pocket, straightening his shoulders.

“Goodbye, Erin.”

“Goodbye.”

She walked away first. Erin told herself not to look back and actually listened. She had to close the door on this chapter of her life. There was no way to do it painlessly. One minute she had a great man in her life and the next she was alone. 

Erin always ended up alone. She had her children and her job, but her heart was broken. She needed to protect it at all costs. She was too old to be playing love games anymore. Erin Strauss was calling an indefinite time out. Climbing into the car, she sighed as she buckled her seatbelt.

“Are you alright?” Dave asked.

“Just drive.” She replied.

“Where are we going?”

“I don’t care; just drive David.”

“You got it.”

“Thanks for the ride.” She whispered as he pulled out of the parking space. “I don’t want you in the middle of this but I still appreciate it.”

“I'm here for you. I'm here as a friend. I'm even here as not a friend. Just always know that I'm here, Erin.”

***


End file.
